There are a surprising number of sibling saint duos and trios. We have some of the earliest saints, brother apostles Peter and Andrew, and James and John, and then we have Saints Cosmos and Damien, twins, physicians and martyrs in fourth century Syria.

There are Saints Cyril and Methodius (missionaries and linguists) and another set of twins, St. Benedict and St. Scholastica, who founded and governed monasteries of monks and nuns, respectively. More recently, we have St. Gianna Beretta Molla (pediatrician and mother in the 20th century) and Servant of God Alberto Enrico Beretta (Capuchin friar who built a hospital in Brazil and ministered to the spiritual and physical needs of the sick and impoverished). 

But perhaps one of the most well-known group of saint siblings were the friends of Jesus himself: Martha, Mary and Lazarus. (And their feast day is today!)

Martha, Mary and their brother Lazarus show up in all four Gospel accounts. Evangelists Luke and John both tell the story of Jesus visiting Martha and Mary at their home in Bethany, while the Gospel of John tells the story of the raising of Lazarus, a narrative that is significant on multiple levels. Mary of the trio is the follower who poured perfumed oil on Jesus’ feet in an act of great love, which also appears in the Gospel of John. 

There is much to unpack in all of these stories, and in honor of today being the Memorial of Saints Martha, Mary and Lazarus, I’d like to take a close look at what we know about these important saints to glean some wisdom on fostering strong sibling relationships. 

Siblings Bring their Own Gifts to the Table

Numerous people have told me before that the story of Jesus visiting Mary and Martha rubs them them the wrong way. I think it can be easy to identify with Martha and her attention to hospitality, and it rankles a bit when Mary is praised for choosing to be with and listen to Jesus, and Martha is chastised for her preoccupation with meal preparation. 

Look, we can’t argue with Jesus! If he says that Mary has chosen better to be with him than to be at work in the kitchen, he’s right. But I think we’re missing an important point if we fail to notice one detail: Jesus only corrected Martha after she complained to him, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has let me alone to do all the work? Tell her to help me.” It’s not that Martha’s focus on hospitality is wrong so much as her comparison of herself to her sister is. It’s when Martha puts Mary down that Jesus intervenes. 

Even though Martha is corrected, she later becomes the patron saint of homemakers, cooks, domestic workers, waiters and waitresses, and she provides an example of loving service. Mary, on the other hand, is extolled for her great love, and becomes the patron saint of spiritual studies and lectors.

Siblings have different personalities, different strengths, and different perspectives. Comparing siblings (either as a parent, or amongst themselves) is a recipe for resentment. Let each sibling bring their own gifts to the table. 

Siblings Show Up for One Another

An entire chapter of the Gospel of John is devoted to the death and raising of Lazarus, and a significant portion of the chapter includes Martha and Mary. The sisters of Lazarus are brokenhearted when their brother falls sick and eventually dies, and the story includes details of them calling for Jesus when Lazarus is sick, greeting Jesus as he comes into Bethany, expressing their sorrow and regret that he had not arrived sooner, and asking Jesus to come to their aid. Martha says, “I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

The story is rich in detail, and one of my big takeaways is that Martha and Mary are devoted to their brother. I mean, they go so far as to ask Jesus to bring him back to life! We only get to see this tiny glimpse into their lives, but I can almost guarantee that this level of devotion didn’t come from nowhere. I bet that Martha, Mary and Lazarus spent a lot of time together and showed up for each other in small ways as well as big ones throughout their lives leading up to this moment. 

Strong sibling bonds don’t happen overnight. They happen in all the tiny moments — in the games played together, the pillow talk after the lights are out, the sharing of a double Popsicle, the cheering on at each other’s recitals and games, and the working together to get a chore completed. Siblings show up for one another, and with one another. 

Siblings are a Relationship Unto Themselves 

I’m at the stage of the parenting journey where most of anytime that my children spend together is also with my husband and me. My daughters, ages six and four, are developing their own, private sisterly relationship within the confines of our home (they’ll play in our basement or their shared room together without the rest of us present) but anytime we do something outside the home or out of the ordinary, it’s a family affair. It’s something sweet about family life at this point, that I or my husband is a part of mostly everything my kids do together, be it the park, the library, or going out to lunch.

But I know it won’t be this way for long. By the time my sister and I were in late elementary school, we roamed the neighborhood on our own, spent summer afternoons at the town pool, and even shared babysitting jobs (to think that adults of the 90s left their young elementary school kids in the care of my 11-year-old sister and 10-year-old me will never stop baffling me).

And of course, this independence of relationship continues, and strengthens, with time. Sure, my brothers, sister and I all get together with my parents for holidays and summer trips, but for the most part, my relationship with my siblings exists separately from my relationship with my parents. 

Look at Mary, Martha and Lazarus. While they appear numerous times throughout the Gospels, their parents aren’t mentioned. Recognizing this is orienting for me, as a parent. It helps me to remember that my children will (hopefully, God-willing) be in relationship with one another much longer than they are in relationship with me, and that their relationships with one another have a life of their own, completely independent of me.

This knowledge encourages me to do what I can to step back and let their ability to communicate with, nourish, cheer on, laugh with and love each other flourish without my involvement.  I want to do everything I can to help them build strong relationships with each other, and that starts with giving them space to do it. 

For those of you with siblings or honorary siblings, let us lift a prayer up for them today as we remember Martha, Mary and Lazarus.